....i've (somewhat) lost a good friend, had a psychadelic trip at the happiest place on earth (with beautiful company), & broken someone's heart (not on purpose, but still)...
it's been an interesting week.
today is halloween, & i'm reneggin on my plans. i was sposed to hit my labelmates' (my chemical romance) show at hob's on sunset, but they've got every young punk in town crowdin the list, so i'm not gonna lose myself in that mess. my other option (the roots @ the avalon) is lookin bleek considerin how nobody has hit me with details. my last option (some random party @ some random club) will possibly be eh. i had a costume all put together & everything, & by costume i mean that expensive ass headdress i rocked at the radio city show back in may...i was gonna go as the psychadelic indian that u see when you're trippin on acid (or peyote or lsd or dmt or whatever else)...notice i'm all about psychadelic shit these days & there's a perfectly good reason for that...
i won't talk too much about it just yet...
gimme another week or so.
speakin of psychadelic shit, i highly recommend eatin magic mushrooms & roamin around disneyland. no explanation is needed...let ur imagination do the talkin. everyday i feel my inner-hippie slowly creep to the surface. i'm also in full transition these days tryin to turn over a new leaf & start this new phase of my life with a clean slate. this past year has been full of discovery thru heartache, new love, estranged friendships, & music. i had to start lookin inside & fixin myself instead of blamin other people for my issues. i realized that i had to stop being controlled by my emotions...i had to learn patience & serenity. i was always so worked up when things went wrong that i would put a damper on all of the things that were goin right. time alone has been good for me lately. i've stopped talkin & have learned to listen. i've stopped being afraid of hurtin other people's feelings at the expense of my own. i've become more honest about certain situations. i've started to cut a lot of idle friends out of my life. at the same time...
i feel like i've lost the one friend i've always relied on most.
when i say "relied on" i don't mean it in the "lemme borrow some money/do this & that for me/gimme gimme" sense. i mean it in that support & comfort type of way. the one friend who could make all things okay for me on a shitty day, the one friend who was able to truly understand my anxiety & anguish, the one person who i could sit on the couch with in front of the tv all day doin nothin but bein silly with is suddenly...
gone.
sometimes people grow a part. sometimes long extended periods of time away from one another is good for a healthy friendship. maybe...i guess. it's just a pretty lonely feeling...one day that person loves you & needs you & wants you around & then the next day that same person could care less. it's been a super difficult time for me these past couple weeks, and all i wanted to do was bury my face in my friend's lap & cry/express/lament...i wanted to sit in our fave church parkin lot & smoke pot (blasphemous, i know) & zone out to music...i wanted my friend to be around & share & open up, but instead my friend (like usual) acted as if space was the place...so, i gave my friend space & disappeared in efforts to find my own voice & clarity...
and i've found it. the change is obvious to many. my friend chooses not to notice or care that i've bettered myself, which is kind of a drag, but donc il va. not like i'm lookin for recognition...i just want my friend to care. but in the words of a true separatist...
who gives a shit? it's beyond me. i'm sure it'll work itself out. that's my newly found optimism talkin.
plus
i've been surrouded by great new leo energy.
more on that another day...
in my quest to fix myself i've also managed to hurt someone who truly love(d)s me. timing is a bitch sometimes, but there's no denyin its importance. i had to be realistic with myself & my heart & make a choice that ultimately broke someone else's. i've had my heart broken a million times (or so it seems) & i never wanted to put another person thru it, but 1nce again...donc il va...c'est la vie...so forth & so on...expect a sad ramble on this in the days to come.
beyond all that, my spirit has taken flight to some other place. i love flossangeles truly, but i have become bored with the "scenes" & social climbers. thus, i've made it a point to step outside of the same ol same shit & rediscover the true gems of this city. i'm findin beauty in the sudden reappearance...just when people begin to wonder/miss/question u there u are...for a limited time of course...then u vanish again.
so, here's to all who thought they knew me well...
when u see me next you may recognize me, but u won't really know me. there's power in mystery, so i've heard.
we'll see how true that is.
in closin, my new leo friend has hipped me to an angel named pheobe snow. i'm stuck on "poetry man" at the moment...dig it if u haven't already done so.
till next time, wonder me.
*photos courtesy of the cobrasnake*