20061106

lethargic me.


lemme start in rewind & keep it short but sweet: my last blog found me inna crazy headspace over my best (yet recently estranged) friend & the part that got me down the most was that my friend failed to recognize all of the positive personal work i've done lately...sounds really "therapy session" of me, but so be it...after a week or so of nonconverging schedules & short (not to mention dry) conversations my friend & i finally decided to spend some much needed catch-up time...we're in the car listenin to miles davis, gettin stoned, then all of a sudden...

friend: "so, what's up? how are you?"

me: "i'm great."

friend: "really?"

me: "why? do i seem weird?"

friend: "i mean, not weird...just pretty...lethargic..."

*pause*

okay. maybe i'm trippin, but does the word lethargic not mean unresponsive? unalert? out of it? i'm thinkin, damn maybe it's cuz i'm stoned so ima lil slow right now...

me: "what do you mean by that?"

friend: "i don't know. you just don't seem to care about anything, you're just like whatever to everything."

*pause*

okay. now maybe i'm really trippin cuz i don't see how me not being over the top about one thing as opposed to the other is me being unalert & unresponsive. my quest to get a clear explanation as to why my friend feels this way failed. i kept asking if there was somethin i did...one example as to how i'm seemingly lethargic simply because i'm more relaxed & carefree lately, and of course, there were no examples....

lemme continue to rewind: if there's one thing my friend can say about me it's that i'm pretty hi strung (or at least i used to be). the smallest thing would go wrong & i would freak out...instead of passin it off with a "well, shit happens. donc il va..." attitude i would let it consume me & ruin my entire day. i wasted a lot of energy with that mind state. i let petty situations stress me out when all i really had to do was take a deep breath & let it go...i lost my voice cussin & split my head bein mad & weighted my own shoulders with insecure thoughts when all i had to do was shut up & think positively.

the mind is one powerful bitch, man.

with all these beautiful things happenin in my life now i knew that i wanted to be able to enjoy them instead of lettin pessimism & stress overcome my blessings. i guess i kinda switched overnight...not to prove a point to anyone, not to create a facade...simply cuz it was time for this lil girl to grow up.

so, lethargic my friend, i am not. when u find the right word, however, lemme know.

coincidentally, another close friend of mine hit me up to tell me that i have a very unique way with "coping"...not sure if my friend means that inna good or bad way, but i'm assumin that my friend feels that it's not so good (in relation to how he copes) so i guess the bottom line today is that i'm pretty screwed up.

good for me. at least i can admit it.

honestly, i guess i'm just takin the "office space" approach to life. i remember when i worked a 9-9 & i would be a complete zombie at work, prayin for the day when i could do things my way & be free from the routine. now that day is finally here, so i may as well enjoy it cuz soon i'll have lil human beings to be responsible for (not anytime soon, but the day is comin). the phrase "live & let die" has been ringin in my head all day. good motto, ain't it?

beyond all that shit
i wanna say somethin about my weekend
but i won't
cuz it's too intense
&
i can't really find the words to describe it right now
cuz i'm sure
it'll only get better. i put "it" out into the atmosphere & "it" finally came to me. gotta love how the universe works.

okay.
no more blogs about my "personal journey".
swear.

(fingers/toes/eyes/lines crossed. suckers.)