just because u say ur done with something doesn't mean that it's done with u .
i woke up today from another confusing dream ready to conquer the world with a new set of eyes , but the moment i traveled east of my house the um , vice came running to me like i owed it something . the true test of discipline is saying no to the vice when it's staring u smack dab in the face . for abt an hour i ran from it . the call was loud & clear . . . it wanted me . it called my name multiple times . attempted to wrap itself around me , but i put up a good fight . i had things to do , errands to run , ppl to see & i had no time to indulge . then came the downtime . the errands were done . the ppl were seen . things were did . all that was left was the lingering spirit of that urge that was so easy to fight when i had an agenda . is it too soon to test my will power ? i wondered . two measly days . am i even strong enough or will i buckle under the pressure ?
the realization of my strength was empowering . the weakness tried to creep up on me , but i met it head on with a perseverance so strong that i finally convinced myself . yes , i'm attempting to do the right thing . challenging myself to become a clear minded person . the temptation created a tension so thick that i was able to cut a piece of it & taste it . the bittersweetness of it all made me question myself yet again . it's not too late to turn back & forget this whole thing , but where would that get me ? back in the same downward spiral perhaps ? if that's even what i should call it . hmm . this is starting to really confuse the shit out of me . i guess this must be part of the process . where's my padded cell when i need it ?
ultimately
i learned a lot abt ppl today . oftentimes we are content with being disconnected from the universe . we purposely deny good energy because we're too selfish & egotistical to admit how much we need other ppl . we're so afraid of our vulnerability that we're willing to degrade those closest to us . to some , blood is no thicker than water . sometimes it is easier to be dishonorable , & no matter what binds us , be it blood or friendship , we will choose what's comforting to our own petty impulses rather than what's right in accordance with universal law . the power of free will can be a dangerous thing if u don't know how to use that power .
i feel like i'm talking in incomplete (& indecipherable) circles .
i didn't have to run from my vice today . i simply needed to connect with an equally strong & vulnerable energy to understand the necessity of this journey . that's a good thing .
in the past two days two kindred spirits have said three words to me that have meant more to me than the other more obvious three : i get u .
that's almost as good as getting myself . . .