....i've (somewhat) lost a good friend, had a psychadelic trip at the happiest place on earth (with beautiful company), & broken someone's heart (not on purpose, but still)...
it's been an interesting week.
today is halloween, & i'm reneggin on my plans. i was sposed to hit my labelmates' (my chemical romance) show at hob's on sunset, but they've got every young punk in town crowdin the list, so i'm not gonna lose myself in that mess. my other option (the roots @ the avalon) is lookin bleek considerin how nobody has hit me with details. my last option (some random party @ some random club) will possibly be eh. i had a costume all put together & everything, & by costume i mean that expensive ass headdress i rocked at the radio city show back in may...i was gonna go as the psychadelic indian that u see when you're trippin on acid (or peyote or lsd or dmt or whatever else)...notice i'm all about psychadelic shit these days & there's a perfectly good reason for that...
i won't talk too much about it just yet...
gimme another week or so.
speakin of psychadelic shit, i highly recommend eatin magic mushrooms & roamin around disneyland. no explanation is needed...let ur imagination do the talkin. everyday i feel my inner-hippie slowly creep to the surface. i'm also in full transition these days tryin to turn over a new leaf & start this new phase of my life with a clean slate. this past year has been full of discovery thru heartache, new love, estranged friendships, & music. i had to start lookin inside & fixin myself instead of blamin other people for my issues. i realized that i had to stop being controlled by my emotions...i had to learn patience & serenity. i was always so worked up when things went wrong that i would put a damper on all of the things that were goin right. time alone has been good for me lately. i've stopped talkin & have learned to listen. i've stopped being afraid of hurtin other people's feelings at the expense of my own. i've become more honest about certain situations. i've started to cut a lot of idle friends out of my life. at the same time...
i feel like i've lost the one friend i've always relied on most.
when i say "relied on" i don't mean it in the "lemme borrow some money/do this & that for me/gimme gimme" sense. i mean it in that support & comfort type of way. the one friend who could make all things okay for me on a shitty day, the one friend who was able to truly understand my anxiety & anguish, the one person who i could sit on the couch with in front of the tv all day doin nothin but bein silly with is suddenly...
sometimes people grow a part. sometimes long extended periods of time away from one another is good for a healthy friendship. maybe...i guess. it's just a pretty lonely feeling...one day that person loves you & needs you & wants you around & then the next day that same person could care less. it's been a super difficult time for me these past couple weeks, and all i wanted to do was bury my face in my friend's lap & cry/express/lament...i wanted to sit in our fave church parkin lot & smoke pot (blasphemous, i know) & zone out to music...i wanted my friend to be around & share & open up, but instead my friend (like usual) acted as if space was the place...so, i gave my friend space & disappeared in efforts to find my own voice & clarity...
and i've found it. the change is obvious to many. my friend chooses not to notice or care that i've bettered myself, which is kind of a drag, but donc il va. not like i'm lookin for recognition...i just want my friend to care. but in the words of a true separatist...
who gives a shit? it's beyond me. i'm sure it'll work itself out. that's my newly found optimism talkin.
i've been surrouded by great new leo energy.
more on that another day...
in my quest to fix myself i've also managed to hurt someone who truly love(d)s me. timing is a bitch sometimes, but there's no denyin its importance. i had to be realistic with myself & my heart & make a choice that ultimately broke someone else's. i've had my heart broken a million times (or so it seems) & i never wanted to put another person thru it, but 1nce again...donc il va...c'est la vie...so forth & so on...expect a sad ramble on this in the days to come.
beyond all that, my spirit has taken flight to some other place. i love flossangeles truly, but i have become bored with the "scenes" & social climbers. thus, i've made it a point to step outside of the same ol same shit & rediscover the true gems of this city. i'm findin beauty in the sudden reappearance...just when people begin to wonder/miss/question u there u are...for a limited time of course...then u vanish again.
so, here's to all who thought they knew me well...
when u see me next you may recognize me, but u won't really know me. there's power in mystery, so i've heard.
we'll see how true that is.
in closin, my new leo friend has hipped me to an angel named pheobe snow. i'm stuck on "poetry man" at the moment...dig it if u haven't already done so.
till next time, wonder me.
*photos courtesy of the cobrasnake*
aka the tripper . circa 5:09:00 PM
first of all, cell phones can be so unreliable sometimes.
second, i'm glad i "stopped" drinkin recently. "stopped" cuz i still drink wine, but the days of completely ragin at parties is done for me. i realize now that it's way more fun to be sober at parties cuz the drunkards are hilarious to watch. between the fallin down steps & broken slurry sentences, wobbly walks down sunset, & bitin boys on the roof i have pains behind my ears from laughin so hard. thank god for my friends & vodka, tequila, wine, & every thing else they had for free behind the bar.
today is rather silent, as it should be. while i long to be loungin at hotel steuben my teleportation device is still only in theory, so i'll lounge on the couch for a spell & contemplate a million beautiful thoughts.
it's been a very interestin week: record deals, blowouts, orange "welcome home" balloons, super-sized fortune cookies, mid-day cocktails with pookie & matty j (the best partner ever), parties on the roof, eatin candy off the ground, spongebob's head, spills, & 4am nightcaps at fred's...
"we're so l.a...."
yeah, maybe you're right.
and 2day's soundtrack is idle noise on the tube.
aka the tripper . circa 12:27:00 PM
so the short & sweet of yesterday
my parents got down on me super tough & it really had me inna weird space. it happens from time to time. whoever said growin up is hard to do was completely right. everyday is this crazy rollercoaster ride, sometimes i feel like i don't know whether i'm comin or goin. all i do is trust that my life will turn out the way i see it in my dreams. Peut-etre je suis simplement reveur comme john lennon a dit. at any rate, my folks were gettin down on me pretty bad, & while i was depressed about it i did my best to be happy, because
in the midst of all the drama at home
i (finally) became a piece of merchandise. (finally) because it's been a nervous 3-week long negotiation process with legal folks, not to mention a 7-year long artistic aspiration...it's crazy, when i first met brook at prom i never would have imagined this. life is funny like that. i'm a mixture of different emotions now: excited, nervous, anxious, hopeful, etc. i trust that everything is gonna work out well. no room for pessimism. the rock division at warner bros records better be ready for us.
yeah...bad days do progressively get better.
today has been somewhat of a repeat. sad-sacky morning, but then i realized something very important: i have great friends. yesterday when i needed to escape, my girl since 7th grade showed up with the vehicle. when i wanted to never come back, my better half shared his wisom. when i only wanted to bury my face in the pillow & cry all day, my partner in cr(hyme)ime packed the bowl. earlier today when i was standin in my own way (no rhyme intended) my major rager sent me the best leo horoscope: "maybe sometimes god has bigger plans for you than you have for yourself".
so, i need to get a grip right?
...right. and if what i said 7 lines up is true, then bring on the night!
again, no rhyme intended.
and 2day's top pick is "when the world is runnin down you make the best of what's still around" by the police.
aka the tripper . circa 2:54:00 PM
today has been a whirlwind of different emotions...
mostly sad ones that aren't warranted by any occurrence, so i choose not to discuss them openly. u know how sometimes your mind focuses more on the past or the future instead of the present? why is it so hard to live in the moment & take each day for what it is?
i choose not to dwell on that anymore, for this is a new beginnin of sorts...or a new end. we shall see which one as time progresses.
*edit* before we get started, allow me to tell u somethin quite important: i have super powers. well, 1 anyway, and that is the ability to change form. i'm a leo, therefore i'm rather impulsive & i get bored easily, so i may have a tendency to reinvent myself from time to time. call it a defense mechanism if u like.
my life is takin a very strange, but amazin turn these days. i'm on the verge of livin my wildest dreams, while still tryin to recognize my saints & make sense of this crazy thing called existence. my days are the perfect blend of reality & fantasy, and while that sounds like some weird dichotomy, i must say it's a theme for me. duality. briana cartwright versus jack davey. good girl versus bad seed. no, i'm not a deviant...i just love to partake in deviant behavior. who doesn't?
is this not the strangest ramble of all time?
no worries. i get worse.
like i said already, today has been a whirlwind of different emotions. thus, i start this blogspot to maintain some sanity in the midst of all this mayhem...not to mention i can be rather narcissistic, so to be able to talk openly about myself while random strangers read on strokes my voyeur nerve & turns me on. speaking of which, i must watch project runway, as tonight is the finale & i'm anxious to see how it all pans out. and while i'm on the subject of television, allow me to say that i am not one of the hippie's who wishes death upon the idiot box. television is sheer entertainment...point blank. if it is knowledge & fulfillment that you seek, read a fuckin book. when you need idle noise & senseless images simply to fill some silly void feel free to turn on the t.v. & zone out. my fave pastime is to watch it on mute. try it sometimes. or don't. who gives a shit?
more on that later.
i will be postin daily simply to purge myself of the day's joys & ills so i can start the next day with a clean slate. if you're lookin for clarity then please feel free to look elsewhere. this is simply my open forum to say & feel wh(ow)atever i wanna. so, to end the start of this lovely time, let me say thanks in advance for puttin up with me. i trust our relationship will be, um, interesser, drole, et dysfonctionnel pour dire le moindre (*edit* pardon my horrible frances por favor).
till tomorrow baby. thanks for playin.
from the desk of m. jack davey
<<*2day's top pick: Miles Davis/Shh!...Silent (In A Silent Way)*>>
aka the tripper . circa 5:17:00 PM